Friday, January 26, 2007

Preparing The Pitch

In the olden days a meeting with a TV executive would mean the weekend before spent with a crate of wine and a carrier bag of chronic but not anymore. Although The Girls have always been experts at getting in front of the right people they have finally learned not to squander those not so rare opportunities.

When preparation meets opportunity you get luck in the Ministry Of Common Sense so this week has been spent sussing out the competition already on air, deciding upon costumes for maximum impact, meditation, exercise and loads of sleep. Yeah right I hear you scoff but on my honour, the transformation is remarkable, too dramatic to maintain if it were not the truth. I remember only too well what they used to be like and still have the evidence to prove it.

After checking out the melee of makeover madams British TV has to offer it is not a stretch to suggest The Girls will end up in their much sort after starring roles, bullying obese, drunken, couch sloths into an about turn all in the name of happiness and doing so on no money, a prescription anyone can sign up for providing they have the stomach for it.

Nicky Hamilton-Jones, does a decent job (although the candidates do have a tendency to end up looking like transvestites) taking wrinkly, well past their sell by date ladies and a £50,000 budget then turning back the clock but how hard is that really and it's not going to work for you if your skint. Once your past the point of no return, no amount of brazil nuts and water are going to leave you looking like Elizabeth Hurley, even if you can give up the 40 fags and 8 gin and tonics you need to get you through the day.

The Diet Doctors, Channel Five's answer to Gillian McKeith are a joke. A pair of talking horses with clip boards, light boxes and stethoscopes if you ask me and a fat bloke losing two stone in a year and getting a wet suit to fit him is hardly a dramatic, inspirational, life changing event worthy of prime time placement. Pussy footing around the fact he was morbidly obese and showing him a pigs trachea to explain his sleep apnea clearly didn't really work. OK he lost a bit but he was eating 5000 calories a day. Whatever happened to the truth, not politically correct I grant you but I guarantee the more direct approach of you are going to die if you don't stop stuffing yourself would have produced the desired result of beached whale to scuba instructor marketed in this weeks trailer. It's manufactured rubbish starring two drips in Marks and Spencers (and nothing against Marks and Spencers, they make lovely food) if you ask me and if they can get on TV anyone can.

So The Girls will spend this weekend sipping herb tea, relaxing and eating Porridge and not because it's high in maganese and great for gout, (it's low calorie, fills you up and costs 99 pence for a big box) in preparation to meet their TV hot shot, the man behind The Race. Will he be the one to take them to the top. Only time will tell.

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